Reflections on Fear

How has it shaped you?

Photo by Kiarash Mansouri on Unsplash

Introduction and Background

Fear is a complex emotion; it saves us, destroys us, liberates us, and enslaves us. Daily,we navigate fear unconsciously, through a heightened pulse rate, or erratic breath; subconsciously, through avoidance, or aggression; consciously, through planning or communicating.

In this post I’m exploring the role fear plays in the way we experience ‘being stuck’. Here’s a brief etymological snapshot of the word fear. 

These show the complexity of the emotion, no wonder fear is such an avidly discussed topic. 

The Proto-Indo-European linguistic roots¹ behind the words for 'fear' are:

English ("fear")  

- \*per - meaning "danger, peril"  

Greek ("phobos")

- \*bhegw- - meaning "to flee, run away"

Latin ("metus")

- \*men- - meaning "think, ponder, reason"

I’d like to focus specifically on the fear related to pondering and reason. I’m not talking about intense and debilitating fears, like phobias. Nor am I talking about the kind of fear you can imagine having if you were running from an 800 pound cat. 

Not all fears need to be ‘overcome’, not all fears can be ‘overcome’, this post isn’t about either of those ideas.

I find it ironic that the solutions we build to handle our fears sometimes become the bedrock for new fears we then must handle (I think in infinity loops a lot). That’s what I want to explore.

First Fears

I feared abandonment, for context on where this fear likely sprouted see ‘A personal Tale of a Common Story’(if you haven’t read it already).

I named this my ‘first fear’. First fears are obstacles, they obstruct our path, they elicit a reaction. We judge the effectiveness of our actions by how well they help us cope with our fears. The paradox is, the mechanism that tames our first fear can create our second fear.

What might be a ‘first fear’ in your life?

The positive side of fear

What did my first fear do for me? My first fear inspired me to figure out how to ‘not be abandoned’. The solution I developed was to be dependable. Dependability is a good trait, when people can rely on you, they stand by you. To some degree all humans are sociologists, and my research indicates that dependability is a crucial trait for long lasting relationships. So overtime this trait was integrated into my identity. What do you think happens once a characteristic becomes part of your identity? You’re afraid to lose it.  

Second Fears

Who am I if I’m not dependable? Who would stick around if I’m not reliable? I never actually asked these questions until I made space to reflect on my past relationships. The interesting thing about dependability is it’s a double bond characteristic. I thought “dependable people aren’t abandoned”, but I also found that I too didn’t quit on anyone or anything. I know ‘not quitting’ is espoused as noble, but in certain circumstances quitting is wise. I stayed too long in some situations, noble yes, but unwise.

What might be a ‘second fear’ in your life?

A Fear Dance

The fear of abandonment, my first fear, was an obstacle. The fear of identity loss, not being dependable, was an anchor. We dance between the two, we move from the obstacle to the anchor and back again.

Through shock ‘first fears’ may shape identity and through attachment ‘second fears’ may bind us to behavior patterns, even after those behaviors become troublesome. Is this all negative, or is it all natural? 

When you hear the phrase, “ I’m spiraling…”, what do you visualize?

For me, spiraling symbolizes a crash, an out of control fall from somewhere up high. I want to re-imagine spiraling though, what if we thought about spiraling on a horizontal plane? Spirals are loopy but still linear. Progression follows the line it just goes in these circular cycles. They’re like giant switchbacks; the view stays the same even though you're making your way down the road.  

I think that’s a good analogy for fear dances. Even though everything looks the same it doesn’t mean you're in the same place. We don’t normally break free all at once. We find our way over time. Just when it feels like you’ve graduated there’s another sequence to dance through, it may be frustrating, but there’s still something to learn. Think of someone you know really well; can you see this phenomenon in their life? Can you see it in your own life?

I have a recent example of how this dance showed up in my life. 12 months ago I was laid off, I should have walked away from that job 18 months ago. I was stressed out, exhausted, frustrated, confused, and trying my hardest to make the situation fit. It never really did, but yet, I stayed. My second fear spurred me on!

Yes, there are a plethora of reasons that made my perseverance ‘worth it’, the chief one being money. But, I didn’t stay because of the money, I didn’t stay because I was scared to be unemployed, I didn’t stay because I liked it. Honestly, I stayed because I’m dependable. That’s what I felt I would actually lose if I left. My dismissal was actually a kindness. 

When I reflect on my past, I can see this second fear shaping my experiences over and over again; it was a theme. 

Do you have any second fear themes in your life?

Three Ways I Now Handle First and Second Fears

(1) Observation and (2) Reflection

The more I think about fear the more I feel it’s the spark for our individual evolution. As we age, we transcend old fears and discover new ones. These new discoveries initiate exploration; our adventures provide us with understanding. It’s understanding that helps us navigate and outgrow our fears. 

You won’t find understanding by accident. Exploring the relationship between first and second fears requires time and space; after that, hard honest questions. Like these: 

• What scares me?

• How do I respond to those fears?

• Is my response now a part of my identity?

• Am I scared to lose that part of me?

• Am I ready to lose that part of me?

These are questions I ask myself now, they take a while to answer, but the understanding is worth it. I haven’t found solutions just ways of being. 

(3) Experimentation

After you start asking these questions, start experimenting based on your understanding. Do some things differently and see how it feels. For me, that could look like being a less reliable friend. A consequence of that may be losing friendships built on disproportionate energy exchanges.

Was that a silver lining of the pandemic for you?

Mutual support is the mantra moving forward.

I’m not going to stop being a dependable person, it’s who I am. But, I can start to get even more exclusive about building personal and professional relationships. 

Happy experimenting!

1. Indo-European. Oxford Reference. Retrieved 15 Jan. 2024, from https://www.oxfordreference.com/view/10.1093/oi/authority.20110803100001842.