Don't Take Anything Personally

The Second Agreement

Photo by Bruno Aguirre on Unsplash

Introduction

Last week’s post was about Don Miguel Ruiz’s book The Four Agreements: A practical guide to personal freedom. I will link that post to the end of this one. Today we’re talking about the second agreement.

The Second Agreement: Don’t Take Anything Personally

Before we begin, let’s look at the Merriam-Webster definition of ‘Take’:

to get into one's hands or into one's possession, power, or control

Now, revisit the phrase ‘Don’t take anything personally’, colloquially stated, ‘don’t make it about you’. Don’t make anything about you, including: compliments, insults, critics, jokes, or polite manners. If you have feelings in response to these things try to remember that it’s about you, not them.

Don Miguel takes this idea much farther. He even includes physical acts of violence to his list. I’m not there yet on my journey, I don’t include much of that in this post.

My Take Away

This is my favorite agreement. It leads to the end of expectation, and when you remember this agreement fear and anger melt away. What’s left? Bewilderment and amusement, which arouses curiosity and instigates exploration. 

But do you know what I find to be even more liberating? Not taking myself so seriously. My actions and my words are about me, the responses to my actions and words belong to others. Yes, this agreement fits nicely into the ‘simple not easy’ category. I still get offended and embarrassed. In the book, this agreement specifically discusses the concept of a spiritual warrior. Warriors improve through training.

My First Parable: The Trials of the Spiritual Warrior

While contemplating this agreement I envisioned a test. The test was administered to three different warrior monks and they exhibited three different skill levels at not taking anything personally. The three warrior monks walked through a sea of people, and that sea of people resided in a larger ocean of words. Think of  a multitude of auctioneers all with microphones. 

As the monks meandered through the crowd they were offered love elixirs and toxic potions. The love elixirs were full of affirmations and validations and the toxic potions were full of belittling words and demeaning ideas. 

As the first monk passed through a wave of love reached them, they gladly took the gifts offered, but soon realized that if you take anything you’ve violated the agreement, to take nothing. The monk was left weak and defenseless. When they passed through the toxicity the monk took these too, they took everything offered and never returned to their training.

The second monk resisted taking the compliments and was better equipped to reject the condemnation. But the ocean of words and humans was vast and the monk’s resistance took much effort. Over time the monk began to falter, their energy exhausted, they began to take the words and even shared some of their own words.

The final monk waded into the mass of people and words. This time something peculiar occurred, no words at all were offered to this monk, this monk took no words, and this monk shared no words. In fact as the monk moved through the crowd fewer and fewer words were spoken. This monk imbibed the crowd with levity and liberty, they reacted to this with silence.

Share less, with more depth

How Not Taking It Personally Changes the Conversation

When I think about this agreement and the idea that everything I do is about me it makes me want to be more deliberate in what I’m saying. Deliberation means I share less, because if what I’m sharing is about me, and you know that, then I want to be sure I’m communicating with integrity. So I study my words and then I share them along with my needs, my wants, my ideas, my fear, and my joy. But remember how you feel about what I share is about you, and how I feel about what you share is about me.

Relatable Story

This agreement is a really powerful idea for creativity and self-expression. We can choose to try and possess what rightfully belongs to others, their feelings, opinions, and thoughts. Or, we can let that go and focus on sharing what we want in the clearest and best way we feel how. The way we discuss success pressures us to obsess over ‘how it’s received’. Once we do this we make it personal. I’m going to continue trying to be like the third monk.